I wrote this post on November 30, 2018, but am just now ready to share it…
Two lines appeared. Not one, but two. I started to shake as I stared a this plastic, white stick in the bathroom. Ok…wow. This is actually happening…we are having another baby!
But the excitement literally lasted a split second, only to be replaced by a fear so deep it almost felt like terror.
This is happening…or is it really? We’ve been down this road before…and things did not go as we hoped.
One in four pregnancies end in miscarriage. And over two years ago, I joined the negative side of that statistic two times over. I have two adorable boys here with me, but yet I have two more precious babies that I never got to meet. One I got to carry for 12 weeks, Joy, and the other, only five weeks, Daniel.
And here I am, almost two years after my last miscarriage, having had a beautiful rainbow baby over a year ago, and pregnant for the 5th time. And instead of jumping for joy and thinking of fun ways to announce it to my family and friends, I’m terrified. The fear of “what if” lurks in the back of my mind. I am so scared it’s paralyzing at times.
I want to get excited and tell my boys they are going to have another sibling. I want to dream about gender reveal parties and possible baby names and fun ways to announce our pregnancy to our parents with some fun gift on Christmas morning. But as soon as I have these thoughts, I stop in my tracks, knowing one in four odds tells me not to dream and plan.
I wish I felt different. I wish the birth of my recent son would have washed away all the painful memories and fear surrounding pregnancy. But it didn’t and I know it won’t. Of course, having a healthy baby boy was a gift, a message of hope and of God’s unconditional love. But still, no matter how much I will it, the loss we experienced cannot be undone. And it can’t be forgotten.
Last night I was a mess as I sat with my husband after our kids went to bed. My pregnancy hormones were on overdrive, yes. But I was more of a hot mess due to an immense amount of fear I was feeling. As I wiped the tears from my face after I had expressed to Josh that I was terrified we would never get to meet this baby, he asked me a question I’m sure he already knew the answer to: “Did you know you would feel this way when you got pregnant again? I mean, did you know when you wanted us to try for another baby that you would be so scared?”
My honest answer: “Yes.”
My husband: “Then you know it’s worth it.”
It was that simple. Josh unlocked a truth in my heart that I couldn’t possibly deny. No matter how many tears I’ve cried and knew I would surely continue to cry, no matter how hard I knew the process was going to be and how scared I was, no matter how aware I was that I was a statistic twice over and could very well be one again…I couldn’t deny that taking this chance no matter the outcome was worth it…SO…VERY…WORTH…IT.
And that is worth getting excited about…